So, You're New to BDSM

As a Pro Domme and someone with many years in the kink lifestyle, the act of giving back is something I care about. I have (and still do) take classes, learn, and study with people who know more and are more experienced than I am. Just like anything in life, learning and understanding is key. One thing I adore doing is helping those who are new learn more about kink, BDSM, and how to safely explore that side of intimacy.

Let me begin by saying this. You are not ever, ever obligated to go to clubs, parties, local events, or become an integral part of your local community. Anyone who says you need to do any of that is lying to you. You should take classes, maybe attend a munch (we'll get to that), and try to carefully and slowly make friends. If you decide to attend local events, clubs, or parties, great! If you don't, that's OK too!

I know, that paragraph just threw a lot at you. It wasn't the starter roadmap you hoped for. Here is the starter roadmap.

Step One: Identify Your Curiosity

First and foremost, what are you curious about? Really think on this. You don't have to know how any of it works. Just make a mental or even physical list of what you want to learn about. If you are partnered, talk to your partner about it. Find out what both of you are curious about.

If you feel like it's a bit too much, ask yourself these questions (and your partner too). Do I want to be in control? Do I want to be controlled? Do we both want to be in control? Do we both want to be controlled? Do I want to do both? What sensations am I looking for? Do I want to be tied up? Do I want to be spanked? Do I want to try something I saw in a photo or online?

Those questions help you get started. Answering them will likely bring up even more questions, and you should jot those questions down too. They don't all have to be answered or explored right away. They will change. Yes, believe me, what you are curious about now and swear you like will indeed change. Which brings me to step two.

Step Two: Do Your Research

Start with research. If you are able to get to classes, please do so. If you live in a major to medium-sized city, chances are classes will be available for people who are new from various clubs or organizations. You can find these classes online. If you live in a place where you don't have access to local classes, there are plenty of spaces online that offer virtual classes that anyone can take.

There are some places where you can find beginner-friendly videos or content creators. While YouTube and Instagram like to censor creators who discuss this, you can still find their videos on the platforms by searching for the questions you jotted down in step one.

I'm sure you're asking, "What about TikTok?" I really do not recommend TikTok for getting your information. Yes, there are some extremely knowledgeable and well-known people on TikTok dropping some amazing education. Sadly, their videos show up under the same hashtags and search algorithms as a whole slew of creators who are giving "education" where they clearly have no idea what they are doing, what they are saying, and the information they give is extremely harmful and unsafe. I won't take away from the creators who have the knowledge and understanding. I will say this: don't use TikTok.

Step Three: Find Community

One thing that used to be said across the board was the half-joking phrase, "Get thee to a munch!" A munch is a very vanilla gathering at a restaurant or similar space that's created for two things. First, it's made for people who are new to come, meet others, talk, and get to know folks in a low-key atmosphere. Second, it's a space for local folks to find their community, make friends, and sometimes get to see friends on a regular basis.

You can find munches online. Most likely, you'll be looking on FetLife and similar platforms for your local munches.

What if you're in an area where there are no munches? That's OK. Then you'll begin by seeing what is local. Some people find it easier to travel to the nearest medium-sized to major city for munches and classes. Others may not have that ability. If you don't, then go online. Places like FetLife will connect you to folks in your surrounding areas, help you find online classes, and reach out to people to create a virtual community. Yes, having a virtual community is valid if you don't have access to a local one.

Step Four: Learn Consent

This should be number one.

You'll likely learn about this the moment you start doing your research, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it. Consent. Consent. Consent. Consent. It is key for everything. Every single thing we do. Every single time we talk. It revolves around consent.

I personally operate along the lines of, "If it isn't enthusiastic, explicit consent, then it is a no." Not everyone operates that way, but I always encourage new people to operate under that pretense. Get comfortable discussing openly boundaries, limits, saying the word "no", and understanding the nuances of consent. There are entire classes about consent that are offered online and in person. I highly recommend that a class on consent is one of the very first things you take.

With consent, spend some time learning to advocate for yourself. Some would say this goes double for new bottoms/submissives, but I would challenge that way of thinking. Advocating for yourself when you are new goes for every side of the coin. Tops, bottoms, switches, etc. all need to understand the foundations of consent, have it drilled into their heads, and know how to advocate for themselves.

You can't begin safely exploring kink with yourself or your partner until you have a keen understanding of self-advocacy and consent. Period.