Guide to Your First Munch

When you’re new to kink and thinking about joining your local community, the word “munch” is one of the first you’ll hear. Maybe you’re wondering what one is, how to find one, and how to navigate a munch. Let’s start with the very basics.

What Is a Munch?

A munch is one of the most vanilla things you’ll ever do in kink. It is a social gathering, usually in a public space like a restaurant or coffee shop. People sit around, eat, drink, and talk. That’s all there is to it. There’s no play, no costumes, or “club appropriate” clothes. It’s created for new and experienced people alike to enjoy time together in a no-pressure zone and find the people in their community they like the most.

If you are brand new, a munch is the safest space to start. Walking into your first munch can feel like walking into the cafeteria at a new school. You wonder who to sit with, what to say, and how to keep from looking like you’re lost. A common issue, and I’ll tell you a secret: I’ve been part of communities in several cities. Every time I move to a new city, I start with a munch. I kind of feel that way every time.

What Isn’t a Munch?

Let’s talk about things a munch isn’t for. It is not a space to look for play or sex with someone. I have seen people in the past attend munches and it’s clear they’re looking to pick someone up and take them home. Kinksters are often seen as “easy” or hypersexual. That’s so far from the truth. I have played with, tied, and suspended many people. I only slept with a couple of them, and that’s because I used to be married to one, and I was dating the other (not at the same time). Do not think a munch is an easy way to hook up with someone. You’ll be sorely disappointed, and in some cases, shown the door.

It’s also not a space to corner someone or make them feel uncomfortable. I have also seen many people see a munch as an appropriate space to tell their wild stories or beef themselves up. I’ve also seen newbies piled on by several people. While the previous sentence is mostly well-meaning, it can also be very uncomfortable to the new person. Give people space. Most munches are set up to encourage mingling and a comfortable personal distance. Make sure everyone has that.

Why Start at a Munch?

Sure, you could skip right to the club night/party. You could also begin with classes. I do recommend classes if a munch isn’t your scene. Barring that, a munch is your best place to begin. It’s where you meet people without distractions of play, louder music, and being overstimulated with a lot of very new things. You are able to feel more relaxed, talk openly, ask questions, and get a feel for the people in your local community. That’s always a good thing before you step into a space.

It is also a good space to vet people, and for them to vet you. If you have a little more experience and are looking to play with someone, meeting them at a munch to discuss things is a perfect neutral spot.

Your First Munch

The location of the munch will always be posted somewhere. Most likely you’ll find the event listed on FetLife or some other social media. Usually, munch organizers choose chain restaurants or coffee shops. They’re typically a more affordable price point and easy to find.

You’ll likely be looking for a very normal group. People are going to be in their everyday clothes. You’ll see jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and some folks run straight out of work to a munch. What do you wear? Whatever is comfortable for you. It’s frowned upon to wear fetish wear or “club wear” to a public munch. If you bought something cute, save it for another time. Remember, you’re likely going to a space where a lot of people who aren’t kinky will be enjoying a meal. You need to be respectful of that.

The conversation is going to be a mixed bag. You’ll hear everything from people talking about their pets, movies, or last week’s hike. You’ll also hear topics on kink or the local scene, but you’ll find most of the time that’s sprinkled in or done in more hushed tones. Most folks understand the people around them don’t need to hear someone loudly talking about a scene where someone couldn’t sit down for a week.

Munch Etiquette for the Newbs

Respect people’s privacy. That’s the first thing you need to be thinking about. Some people never give out their real name in the local community. Others are very careful about their private life. If someone is being closed off about certain subjects or making it clear they don’t want to speak about something, change the subject. It’s also a good idea to think about how much of your private life you’re willing to share.

Don’t monopolize the conversations. Share the space. If you have questions, that’s great! Feel free to ask them. Also, make sure you’re taking the time to listen and really absorb the answers. If someone tells you a question is best left for another setting, respect that. They’re giving you a not-so-subtle hint.

Listening more than you talk goes along with that paragraph. You’ll be surprised what you learn at a munch. If you stay quiet and allow others to talk, there is so much you can absorb from a very simple vanilla space.

Do not go on the hunt for a play partner, a new Dom(me), or a new submissive. That goes double if you are new to BDSM/kink. You don’t want to be seen as Baron Von Newbie XIV, or the next new sub who is calling everyone “Sir” or “Ma’am” without a dynamic. Relax. The fun part will come later. For now, you need to be focused on learning and making connections. We all know you’re eager to get started, but you’ll make newbie mistakes if you go nuts.

Consistency Is Good

Before I go into consistency, let’s talk about the fact the munch you go to may not be a great space for you. Maybe the group isn’t right, or the vibe felt off. That happens. In mid- to large-sized cities, there are usually several munches taking place. Some of them are organized by location, but most are open to anyone. If you go to a munch and it’s not exactly a group you jive with, don’t worry. Look for another one in or near your area and give that one a try instead.

In the past, I’ve gone to a few munches in a new city before deciding which one was the group I felt the most comfortable with. Then, I would attend that munch as often as I could. Which leads me to consistency being key.

Going to one munch won’t make you a part of the community. It isn’t an instant “in” to whatever group you’re looking for. The old phrase “out of sight, out of mind” rings very true here. A one-time appearance doesn’t amount to much. Showing up frequently, engaging with others, and showing you’re there to be a part of something is how you will find your people.